Hend Ashour
My name is Hend Ashour. I graduated from The American University in Cairo (AUC) with an English and Comparative Literature major. I’m working as a Social Studies teacher now to grades 4 and 5. I like my job a lot, but I’m extremely passionate about writing. It’s like I believe that writing is who I am. The first time I ever wrote was a poem in 4th grade. It was an assignment for my English class. I live in Downtown, Cairo, Egypt with my brother and my parents.
In my other life I was a fairy. I made all dreams come true. I was flying around all the time, checking on other people. I liked helping people and all but I enjoyed flying the most. I could also turn myself into anything I wanted. My favorite transformation was to a mermaid. The sea is the most beautiful place you can ever go to. I made friends with everybody there, but they never knew I was originally a fairy. My next favorite place was the sky; you can see the connection here. I never had a place that I lived in permanently, but as I mentioned before, the sea was my favorite place to stay. It is the closest thing to a home that I have.
Unfroze
They unfroze from the frame. She unstood on all fours and unscratched him wildly. She unwent to his apartment. She ushowered and unkilled him in her mind. She unsmiled. Her porcelain face was unbroken. She unwalked home, unwent into his room and unaccepted his invitation.
He unkissed her, unwalked with her to the café and unasked her out. He untalked to her in the museum. The silent conversation between her and the girl in the painting was uncut and unsaid. The way home was unwalked. She untalked to her friend on the phone. She unwalked in the street and unkept a porcelain expression. She unenjoyed the warm weather.
He unmet his acquaintance and unwent to the café. He unstepped loudly unannouncing his presence. He unsmiled his proud smile that he gave to the people he met in the street and unnodded his head to everyone. He unsaid that the girl in the painting is a professional model and she unlooked at him with disgust. He unsmiled his proud smile and unthought he said something very smart. She unthought she wanted to slap him. They unmet in the museum. She unstood in front of the girl in the painting.
She unknew him. He unexisted. The painting was unput in the museum and she was unpainted. She unfroze from her frame.
Stranger
I tried so hard to break this barrier between us, but I never succeeded. This turn in the corner of the lips, these small teeth between them, this natural mask she hides behind is unbreakable. Is it real? This pure innocent smile she always has? I try to get to the truth, to her, but she just gives me this smile. She never meets my eyes even though she looks me in the eyes whenever we talk. I cannot reach the teardrop that starts welling up in the corner of her eyes. She refuses to let it down, she only smiles or laughs hysterically. She always stands out, not necessarily in a positive way, but you always get the feeling she’s a stranger. She is always far away from me. No matter how close we can become, I’m always at a distance that she creates and forces upon me and everybody else. She shrinks when among people, or maybe everyone else becomes larger. It’s all in this smile that contradicts her eyes, yet matches them perfectly.
We share the same bedroom, my sister and I. she only goes there to study or sleep. She doesn’t match the color of the walls, although they are white. Frowns start forming on her forehead and the smile fades whenever she enters. She does not have an expression when she is in there, but then she forces that smile back on her face; looking as out of place as she is. I can imagine her building a different wall around herself to keep the walls from closing in on her. She breaks both and runs out of the room.
Our bedroom is not the only place she seems uncomfortable to be in. She is not that crazy about the furniture of the house either. My sister was running away from the chair once, I believe she thought it was going to eat her. She suddenly jumped out of the chair and ran away from it to the other side of the apartment. I could see her eyes becoming wider, her jaws clinched so tightly that they could simply explode and her breathing so fast. I see the same tear forming in her eyes whenever she looks at that chair. Still refusing to let it down, she makes a joke about something and laughs at it.
I wonder what secret she keeps behind this swinging door. It is behind this door that I can see her almost floating. She does not let anyone in her world. She has gates all around this small area, especially the guest room. I see the room all the time but it changes when she is inside. It turns into a much brighter place. She keeps something very precious obviously; she cast a protection curse around this area of the house. I don’t know what exactly but it seems to be all around the place. She always shouts at me whenever I try to come close to that swinging door. She gets angrier than I have ever seen her before. The childlike smile she has vanishes and is replaced by a look of rage. Her eyes become red and fire comes out of her ears and mouth. The whole place becomes red and steaming hot so I get scared and run away. When she has made sure I’m gone, her pretty smile comes back and the place becomes enchanted again.
One day I decided to talk to her, break down the barrier a bit. The magic words to get to her are ‘I need to talk to you please’. I tried to talk to her in her secret world, but she just tells me to wait for her in the bedroom. She was not late. I was talking to her about a problem I had with studying and that I’m having trouble concentrating. She said it was normal and that it happens to everyone and we have some general talk. She was sweet, and she had the same comforting smile yet she did not let me in. She wouldn’t let me in her magic room. While talking with her, I could see that the whole place was making her look pale. The room seemed uncomfortable with her in it. She couldn’t wait to get out of this room and go back to her world.
Why does she always have this smile? Sometimes it looks like a smile of defeat, other times it looks victorious. Other times it feels like it is a smile of resistance but I cannot tell to what. She keeps rebuilding this wall between herself and the universe around her. Sometimes I can’t even see her face, only her smile which I don’t understand. It’s a cloudy smile yet very pure. It belongs to her but her facial expression does not.
Becoming a Fairytale
I’m becoming a fairytale. It has become very natural for people nowadays to adopt others like me when they can’t adopt the normal sized ones. It is too much what people go through when they go to adoption agencies, so adopting people like me is so much easier; nobody really wants us. Since we don’t have real parents so we don’t have those to want to be with us, and we don’t really mingle with each other so adoption is never an issue. I never knew I was going to become a fairytale though! I was always just me. I was born from a flower, like everybody else from my people, adopted by the poor sweet farmers who I came to love so much and they love me just as much or even more. Becoming a fairytale is so unusual.
Turning into pages felt odd. I was always a tiny little person. It was after I got married to the fairy prince that we both started becoming a fairytale. I know my story is not typical for people like me; tiny people don’t really care much about love and marriage since we don’t need it.
On my wedding night, the beginning of my happily ever after, I started becoming a book. First, I became a picture on the cover, then a name: Thumbelina. I even forgot my real name. No wait! I think it was Isabelle. Yes Isabelle. My foster parents called me Izzy. Now I became Thumbelina. The picture on the book cover looks like me, but I’m dressed differently. My wedding dress was strapless and my veil had that Spanish style and the wedding itself was on a table my parents in law magically made and carried to a beautiful beach. Becoming a book made things solid. Smooth but solid. I was broken down into words. I became very famous, I felt like I’m a celebrity. Being stuck in pages was not how I imagined my life would be, but the most beautiful thing that I never imagined was that I became freer than I ever was. Although a book is a solid thing that you can hold, a fairytale put me in a realm of imagination that knows no boundaries. I had my happily ever after.
The Watched
All the eyes were on me. I hid inside my little shirt. I was being watched. I pulled up my collar of my shirt up and hid my face. I started walking faster. I couldn’t see the faces of those following me. I didn’t want to be close enough to see their faces. I was almost running. My feet hurt. I got a cramp from walking too fast. I buzzed into the first place I could get into. It turned out to be a café. I looked outside to make sure my followers hadn’t seen me. No one followed me in. I went to the first empty table I saw and scanned through the menu and ordered a soda drink. The café was warm and bright. The walls were colorful. The chairs were bright blue. I was just starting to calm down when I found out that this place was not safe either. I felt different eyes on me. The people in the café were watching me. I tried to hide my fear but I couldn’t do it for long. I asked for the check but I couldn’t pretend they didn’t scare me to death, so I left some money on the table and stormed out of the café. The money I left was a lot more than what the soda drink was worth, but I didn’t care. All I wanted was to get the hell out of this place. The world was closing in on me. I ran as fast as I could, trying to escape all the eyes. I found a corner I could collapse in and maybe hide. I sat there on the floor, pulled my t-shirt collar up, got my glasses out and put them on. I became invisible. I put all my shields around me to protect myself from all the followers.
I hid there for a couple of hours. No one could see me. I lost my stalkers at last. I decided to leave my hiding place. I couldn’t stay there forever, although it felt safe. I felt safest when I was invisible. Still wearing my glasses and my collar pulled up covering as much as possible from my face, I walked as normally as possible. I reached my block. My invisibility started wearing out, so I wanted to go to my apartment as soon as I could. I waited in the block’s hallway for the elevator for what seemed like forever. My invisibility was wearing out fast and I didn’t want to be seen. The elevator came at last; I had lost my invisibility then. I was just about to close the door when someone called “Wait Please!” I started sweating; it was a guy I didn’t recognize. “Hey neighbor! Thanks for waiting” he said in a friendly manner. I didn’t know any of my neighbors, so I wouldn’t recognize them if I saw one. I was scared of him, so I gave a nervous nod. He pushed on the button of my floor. I started sweating really hard, I almost fainted but I looked at mg bag, covering my face with it. The elevator stopped at last. He opened the door and I came out. He came out too. I still pretended to be looking for something in my bag. He went to the apartment across the hall and waved politely. I smiled nervously and got my keys out. I didn’t want him thinking I'd lost my keys and to invite me in. I waited for him to close his door behind him, then waited a few more minutes before going inside.
My apartment was small and cute, but it freaked me out. Every time the TV turned itself on and the eyes in the paintings on the ceiling moved with me, I ran away to my room. I’d cover the cupboard’s eyes and change. I hated looking in the mirror. It pretended to be showing my reflection, but I always saw her secret eyes looking through the reflection of mine. I hid under the covers of my bed. My eyes were wide open and unblinking for a while. Bit by bit my eyelids found their peace in unfolding themselves until they met the other set of lashes. They were home and so I became. My lids took me to my secret world where anything can happen. My sun rose behind my eyelids. She gave me a warm smile and kept watching over me all night protecting me from everything else.
