Zeyad Salem
My name is Zeyad Salem, I am a graduated dentist and one of my favorite ever quotes is Friedrich Nietzsche's 'He who has a why to live can bear almost any how' and through my writing I am trying to figure out my 'Why' in life, also I write because it is the only socially accepted form of schizophrenia .
My name is Zeyad Salem, I am a graduated dentist and one of my favorite ever quotes is Friedrich Nietzsche's 'He who has a why to live can bear almost any how' and through my writing I am trying to figure out my 'Why' in life, also I write because it is the only socially accepted form of schizophrenia .
You can find more of my writings at: http//zeyadsalem.wordpress.com or contact me on zeyadmounir@gmail.com.
In my other life I am just me in a world of acceptance and love, in a place where differences are celebrated and one's worth is about who he is,not what he is, where the words prejudice and discrimination have absolutely no meaning and everyone is allowed to reach their full potential .
In my other life I am a bohemian artist in Venice residing next to the Academia of Art, living day by day, surrounded by artists and free spirited people, with whom I truly live not merely exist.
Crashing …
As he was sitting in his car, inhaling his cigarette, thinking of how now he had the job he had always wanted, the car he had always dreamed of and how the past three years had been so life changing, he looked at himself in the mirror, “Nice Snickers”. He smiled as he remembered that line, the first thing he had told her when he'd accidentally ran into her in the elevator that day, the look on her face and the smile... oh the smile.
He remembered their first date, first kiss and first vacation together - he even felt the butterflies he had had in his stomach back then when he was on his way to spend the night with her for the first time, the man he felt he was when he saw himself in her eyes while they were first tasting each other’s bodies.
He suddenly trembled as the cigarette blistered him, then started the car engine and while driving he remembered how the last 3 years had been by far the best in his life, how his career had flourished, his ambition was nourished and how confident he was feeling, but at the same moment he knew deep inside that he was about to do something that would be regretted, but he reminded himself “A man should do what he has to do”. The decision had been made, he had to break up with her, he could not go on like this anymore.
She stood before her car admiring her reflection in the window while inhaling the warm breeze that was all around her, sending volatile particles of her perfume flying through the air. She knew she looked good, and she knew that after 15 minutes she was going to do something that would have consequences. She was on her way now to meet him, the one she loved so dearly, the one who gave her a reason to live, and a reason to be.
She remembered their first date, their first kiss and that day when she was all depressed and down and he surprised her at the door with flowers. She remembered how she had spent the nights with him in her mind and how he was the living model of her vision for a man, how confident, masculine, intellectual and tender, the only one with whom it felt so right and normal to give herself, to reveal her everything …To be
Along the way he remembered the passion that was indescribable, the lust that seemed unfading, that was now a living hell of questions, jealousy & sometimes lies. He had stopped doing what he wanted and now it was always what they should be as a couple he had stopped living his life as he knew it before. His life had turned into a cage of passion & sex locked with a golden rope.
But 3 years later all he kept thinking about was his image, and how far she should go to fit in this image, alone or with other people all he cared about was how they looked and how he looked. He didn’t care anymore what she wanted or where she wanted to go, criticizing her became his hobby and the things that made him fall for her in the beginning, became the things he wanted to change.
She was sick of trying to be good enough, of suppressing her needs, dreams and desires just to please him. She remembered how she had been and how she was now, how his eyes got brighter once he saw her,and now he just looked away… And she even wondered if monogamy was all about getting colder and more numb by time.
A sound of breaks along with a scream came from afar awakening both him and her that their cars had bumped in to each other. She was terrified, he was so worried, when they both realized they hadn’t crashed, they just almost did, she smiled apologizing and he nodded accepting and each of them continued their way on opposite sides yet to the same end.
Little did I know
I am becoming warmer and lighter, I can't recognize the place I opened my eyes to, I am not in my bed and this doesn’t look like any room I have ever been in. I am in a circular structure whose walls are moving in and out rhythmically,with dark blue lines contrasting its pink hue. It looks like the inside of that bag they use for ventilation on Grey's Anatomy.
I want to stand up but I can't feel my legs or arms; it is like they were never there. I feel like a shapeless gushy structure, with no peripheries. I can see a vague drop of light at the end of this bag I am in. Am I dead, is this the light on the other side?
I can hear her voice around, it is not the pitch that I am used to, I am not even sure if I can call it a tone. It is like the sound in dreams where you hear voices without really hearing them, more like resonating thoughts that can be interpreted somehow.
She is thinking about me, she is worried where I am. I tried to make a sound, shout or say something to prove my existence and assure her but every time I try my whole body starts trembling but no sound is produced.
Suddenly everything is shaking and those bluish lines in the pink walls are moving towards me as I am rolled, pulled and pushed then squeezed out to a destination unknown.
As I am sliding out on what seems to be a smooth ground ,I can feel the light touching me. I can see her face, in my room's mirror, she looks disturbed, I am shouting, jumping and waving but all in vain. I push myself left and right as this is the only movement I am capable of, to realize that I am that lonely tear sliding on her face.
The Arbiter Elegantiae
Here she was in my apartment, sitting on my couch, looking me directly in the eye after liquoring her night away at the various pubs in town, she was looking at me and I was looking back in silence, her distressed stare showing a deep well of fighting thoughts and feelings, a sense of unease that seemed incomprehensible even from her side.
I brought some vodka that she didn’t wait for me to mix as she never liked the taste; she downed her shot and banged her glass on the table without uttering a word, her eyes still fixed on mine saying the unspoken.
"Nothing has been working for me lately, you know, nothing is getting me wasted enough and I can't even focus anymore" she added while laughing,"I think my head has grown tougher, ha", I made her the mix of pills she needed and poured her more vodka.
With the vodka shot in one hand and the pills in the other, she gobbled up, set her head back on the couch, fixed her hair, unclosed her eyes as if she was just brought to life,looked me in the eye and said " Am I a junkie now ?". I could see tears in her eyes trying to find their way out as I replied "Yes sweetheart, you are”.
Thou hast durst….
"In the forest that no one may pass but you, everything will be at your beck and call, only if you dare to enter the land, where no one is going to claim credits for your accomplishments neither take a blame for your shortcomings and no help can be attained, your opinion is the only valid asset and your vision is the sole creator".
My heart was pounding as those words were uttered in my head, the pulse in my brain was resonating the rapid beating in my heart, my breathing was getting harder and heavier and every cell in my body was electrified by anticipation and the thick dark painful fear crawling under my skin, but pain doesn't hurt if it is all you have ever felt.
My whole body was protesting against the decision, shivers were taking over my body, when everything discontinued as if someone just pressed the pause button. My lungs shut down and so did the pain.
A tornado started around as if I was its anchor, changing my surroundings as I was standing still, I lost the sense of time and place and coldness started to crawl up on me from my bare feet as I stood on this smooth marble floor, it was dark all over except for flickering threads of lightning.
I could see a vast river originating from afar, it was sliding across the ground like a drawn brush line in the exact center of a 19th century painting; so alive with the water reflecting the images around while flowing up and down in a pulse fashion.
The strikes were shattered everytime into tiny seeds welcomed by the marble floor that ceased to exist the moment it was touched by them. And gladly turned into a fertile environment of picturesque bushes each with a halo showing how beautiful and prosperous they would grow to be lining the pulsating river in Monet fashion. I've always liked Monet, I thought.
The sight of the bushes was magnificently charming, however on a closer look many of the shrubs had stopped growing and were just ailing in silence. That inspiring aura around them was being conquered by coalescing black dots and the river that connected them stopped nurturing and channeled itself with full power to the newly seeded.
One particular bush had the most astonishing halo and I thought it would grow to be the most beautiful tree, however I noticed some scattered black dots that I tried to remove but I couldn’t keep up with their speed. I was shouting and yelling until the same voice said "You can't save the growth of your ideas by removing the doubts but you can increase the river flow to them if you believe more and make sure that your passion will out stand your fears. Only then they will prosper to meet their destiny".
